August 27, 2005


Statement by the President

THE PRESIDENT: This week, after several years of delays, I am pleased to report that the Israeloids and Palestinos have begun to make significant progress on my inspired, 100% original Road Map to Peace.

I want to thank Ariel Sharon, who, after singlehandedly kicking off this "Interfada" bloodbath back in 2000, has agreed to pretend that a pullout from the Goza Strip was his idea – instead of an outright edict from the U.S. State Department. As compensation for this obedience, old Humptystein Dumptyberg will be permitted to continue his furious suckling at the meaty teat of American military-economic aid.

Today, with the Jewish withdrawal well underway, I also want to give a shout-out to the Gazarian settlers themselves. I mean, my heart really goes out to those poor curlycue sideburn folks. After all, I know how hard it is to give something back that you selfishly stole fair and square. It's kinda like when liberals try to "roll back" all the juicy tax breaks I give me and my zillionaire pals while America's poor and colored trash can't even afford to fill their gas tanks. Except instead of money, this is land. Arid, ugly land. Hell, that would be like giving back Texas after we invested so much effort into slaughtering all those Mexicans!

Unfortunately, it looks like forcing you Judys to give up your ill-gotten gains is one of the only ways we're going to get these Islamistani extremists to settle down. Because if we don't do that, they really are going to topple my corrupt Arab petroleum monarch buddies, cut off the gas supply, then whoop our Judaeo Christian asses but good. And if you can believe it – it's only taken me five years of non-stop death and terror to realize that!

Anyway, I wish Israel's religious zealots the very best during this difficult time. Because while we may both privately laugh about how dumb the other's version of God is, the fact is that Sharon Israel and Bush America have taught each other a great deal. We've taught you how to use mountains of mega-weapons to annihilate impoverished, pebble-tossing non-threats, and you've taught us how to build a paranoid right-wing theocracy that responds to all reasoned and valid criticism with shrill and hysterical accusations of bigotry. Talk about a tasty recipe for marginalizing our secular and moderate majorities into a pack of helpless eunuchs!

All that said, I also want to express my token support for the Palestinarian people. I really do hope that you will be placated by the return of your precious dustbowl – if for no other reason than the whole world is really tired of you people whining and blowing yourselves into Alpo.

To be honest though, I can't say as I'm too terribly optimistic. I mean, the thing about this situation is that both sides – the Jewishes AND the Palestiniacs – are so batshit psycho crazy, and have committed so many ultra-nasty crimes against each other, that they're pretty much all morally bankrupt hypocrites at this point. Yeah, I know – "pot calling the kettle black," right? So sue me. It's like I always say: "This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating!"

In closing, I'd like to reassure my tongues-talking evangelical Christian American base that even though the surrender of the Jawa Strip may seem contrary to my promise to defend Hell-bound Jews, that you can still rest assured that all of our tender and compassionate peace-brokering work has not been for naught. For I have it on authority from the Lord Himself that any day now, the Rapture will be upon us, and Jesus will descend to drop kick all those Hebrewskis and Muslamiacs into the bottomless pit of fire to be viciously ass-raped by demons for all eternity.

Thank you, and God Bless America.