December 3, 2006


When I did amateur stand up, one of my lines was "I masturbate. There, I said it, and I'm relieved...actually I'm not relieved, can you give me a couple of minutes? OK forget it. Masturbation is not all that bad. I get things done. I jerk off at night and I wallpaper in the morning."

Gene lost everything because of pornography and chronic masturbating. 7 years of bible college didn't help him prepare for the frustrations of marriage. This is a touching story (Visually safe):

Bill has been masturbating since 1952, and he blames it on him being a loser. Not his alcoholism or his drug addiction. Yanking turned him into a loser. Another touching story (Visually safe):

Check out what different religions think about masturbation here.

Cat's don't worry about what God thinks about masturbation (Rated R if you are a cat):

Besides relieving stress and lowering blood pressure, moderate masturbation (moderate? Like once a day I guess) also reduces the chances of getting prostate cancer. That is good enough for me.

One of the benefits of being an Atheist is guilt free masturbation and more importantly not worrying about whether God or your dead grandmother is watching you pull it.

If masturbation wasn't beneficial for the survival of our species, the penis would be located between our shoulder blades. Enough said.


  1. I imagine that it is the christian right who have the most problem with accepting either pornography or masturbation.

    Watching these videos reminded me of one of the christian right's favourite sayings about guns.

    "Guns don't kill people, people kill people." In other words, the responsibility is with the person, not the product.

    Amazing how this concept hasn't translocated itself to the concept of pornography.

    "Pornography doesn't make people masturbate, people make people masturbate."

    Ultimately, it makes as much sense to blame pornography for social ills as it does to blame guns for social ills.

    The responsibility is where it has always been, with the individual.

  2. As Woody Allen said, "Hey, don't knock masturbation, it's with someone I love."

  3. I'm sure the Christian right are some of the biggest wan...ahem...masturbators around. Those that overly condemn something are usually hiding something themselves.

  4. minor fast days beat me to it.. no pun intended.

  5. Well, I sure am glad Jews don't go to Hell for their transgressions. 'Nuff said from me.

  6. If masturbation wasn't beneficial for the survival of our species, the penis would be located between our shoulder blades.

    That reminds me. If women had breasts on their backs slow dancing would be much more fun. ;)

  7. Yeah Bacon, I went through that guilt thing during my Catholic days. I really tried to stop. Sometimes I would get by for a few weeks. More often than not it was a matter of a few days. And it would always be like "Okay, this is the last time, I really mean it this time!"

  8. Back in the 70's a Jewish summer camp I went to handed out saltpetre to adolescent boys because it supposedly made erection difficult.

    I don't know if they were morally opposed to wanking, were trying to
    discourage boy on boy experimentation and molestation or were just tired of crusty sheets.

  9. I am not sure if the cat video could be termed pornographic. Maybe for cats it is.

    I feel sure there is some human out there who thinks it should be banned for some insane reason.

  10. I wonder if there is a reference in the Bible against masturbation? Does it also condemn mutual masturbation?

  11. I'd tell you what a great piece this was if I could actually read it.

    But being blind and all . . .

  12. I read something about spilling your seed upon the earth as being against god's teachings. I guess that why it's good to have towel handy.

  13. Mike, that reminds me of a line from Portnoy's Complaint (I think that's the source) that my history professor in college referenced.

    When the boy in the story is told by a doctor that if he keeps masturbating it will make him blind, the boy answers that he will stop when he needs eyeglasses.

  14. I remember going to some 'born again' type youth group and hearing that masturbation was a mortal sin but that having sex with your girlfriend was not. This seemed mighty odd and really unfair on all the losers in love, like me.

    I believe there may be something wrong with masturbating. Research has revealed that making love with a real woman results in feelings of elevation the next day whereas masturbation can make the subject somewhat foggy minded and lethargic – as if some vital essence has been extracted and wasted. I’d be interested to know if this is a common experience and whether homosexuals feel the same way. It could be psychological or is it physiological? I remember reading in the book Papillion that some prisoners in solitary masturbated too much and were next to useless.

    It would be interesting to know also if making love to a hyper realistic doll has similar consequences. My research budget didn’t extend to being able to purchase one of these beauties.

  15. Anglo, in addition to blindness, it was once popularly thought that masturbation caused insanity.

    And what was the evidence for this assertion? Men in insane asylums were observed masturbating. Of course, the people who made these observations put the cart before the horse. Men in insane asylums masturbated because they had no other sexual outlet.

  16. As 'Master of My Domain', I can lose a contest to the best of them. (I have developed cataracts and blind spots, though.)

  17. I'd tell you about the space aliens that visit me inside my head every 34th of the Month at 27 o'clock in the morning.

    But I can't see them.

  18. I don't masturbate, thats a sin. I usually ask my mom to come in and relieve me. Then she wipes me up with a kleenex and makes me a sandwich.
    I love Jesus.

  19. That cat vid is hilarious, but after you calm down and wipe the tears out of your eyes, you should tell the camera operator to take him to the vet to get checked out for a urinary tract infection to which male housecats are unfortunately prone. They commonly bother themselves down there because the poor thing is irritated and probably itchy.

  20. Yep, interesting subject. And you have not mentioned the benefits of avoiding that prostate... oh, I see you had. This is what comes from my table being wobbly and all that shaking...