October 12, 2005

ARK RANT

How can anyone and I mean anyone believe in the Great Flood and Noah's Ark?
There are approximately 4500 species of mammals on this earth right now, 3,500 amphibian species, 5,550 hundred reptiles, 10,000 species of birds(oh wait, birds could have flown around until they needed to rest and perch on the Ark, well, except ostriches and penguins and other flightless fowl), and over 1 million species of insects.
Oh yeah, let's multiply all these guys by two (they needed to reproduce to keep their lines going). Of course if Noah was smart he would have only taken pregnant females. I don't what is worse to take care: a pregnant crocodile or a couple of sex hungry crocs(wait, there are more than one species of crocs. I know this because I watch the Crocodile Hunter).
Noah must have been one heck of a biologist and animal trainer to be able to find all these animal species and then lure them on the Ark. Did he tranq hippos, lions, and elephants? How did he handle the skunk? It is pretty tought to catch a few of the animals that exist today. How do you catch a croc, or a hippo, or a giraffe for that matter? I'm cracking up writing this.
The Ark had to be massive to handle all this, and what about the poop and urine from just the mammals alone? Don't they have to go at least once a day? Yech.
And I know they had 8 people to maintain all these animals. Let's say they fed them twice a day. For the mammals alone, that would be 18,000 meals each day. It is humanly impossible to do work that hard. That is over 2,000 meals given out by each human on the Ark every day for mammals alone. Where did they keep the food?
And lets not forget about strict diets. Again, Noah had to have vast knowledge of every animals diets. Lots of these animals require certain types of foods to live, like the Koala for example. And we have to assume that no animals died, or they wouldn't be around today. So they must have had impeccable care and they had to have eaten their food and be disease free.
Now for the good part. Let's say the Ark was built in Asia, Africa, or Europe. Where are the kangaroo bones from kangaroos who lived prior to the flood assuming Noah let them off in Australia after the storm?
And people believe this crap.

October 9, 2005

WEEK 5 NFL PICKS

I blew it last week, well actually Seattle blew it. There is no way in a created universe that Green Bay should have covered. But they did, and I went a shameful 2 and 4, bringing my season record to 11 and 13, which means that a chimp who has never watched a full NFL game in his life, would more than likely have a better record than me if he flipped a coin to pick winners. My Special also lost, which makes my record 1 and 3 in that department.

Let's move on. Week 5 is a tough week; I've never seen a week where 12 out of 14 games have point spreads of 3 and a half points or less. Wow. Any hoot, here are my picks:

Monday first. San Diego by at least 3 against Pittsburgh and Roethlesbergersteinowitz.

Tonite, Jacksonville will bring Cinci down to earth and win by at least 3.

Dallas will upset Philly today getting 3 points.

Houston will win by at least 3 against Tennessee.

The Bills are doing the smart thing and not giving up on the season starting Holcomb over their rookie. They will win today by 3 or more against Miami. It is too cold out today for Miami. I've always liked the name Kelly Holcomb for a quarterback.

And the Bacon Special is Atlanta with an iffy Vick over New England by at least 2.
For the life of me, I can't see how New England isn't 5 or 6 point favorites here. The Bookie Gods know something. Atlanta will cover.

October 5, 2005

SCIENTIST PROVES CREATION IS RIGHT

A startling find was made by Evangelical Scientist George Dumas on Tuesday in Tel Aviv, Israel. Dumas was studying the time it takes Jews to get from their cars and into their House of Worship. He had already timed the average Christian in the USA on how long it took them to enter their Churches.
After observing over 200 Jews, Dumas decided to take a rest from his scientific research. So he went to a park and decided to sit under a tree, when he came across a Hebrew carving on that very tree.
Being the astute scientist he is, he asked a Jew in the park what the carved words said. He was astonished when he found out that the Hebrew words translated to "God was here." A big "0" was carved under the words, which Dumas of course understood meant "in the year zero."
He then estimated the tree's age as around 5,000 to 6,000 years by counting the dead branches and inputting that data into his "secret age finding formula."
As far as the study on the comparison between Christians and Jews, Dumas concluded, "who cares, I now have absolute scientific proof that God created us less than 6,000 years ago."
When Dumas came back to the park with his camera to take a photograph the tree, he couldn't find the tree again. "I know what I saw, and that is good enough for me," said Dumas when pressed for proof.

October 3, 2005

October 2, 2005

It is Sunday Again: NFL Picks

I am a human coin. But a fair coin. So far this year I am 9 and 9 with my NFL Football picks against the spread. Dammit, I know I am better than this. I am 1 and 2 with my Bacon Specials. Now that is pathetic.

I have no excuses this week. I even really like 5 of my 6 picks this week.

OK, San Diego getting 4 points from New England. New England will crash. They are very sore and will focus on Tomlinson. Drew Brees will have a great game.

Jacksonville will humble Denver. Jax by at least 4.

Detroit will cover against Tampa Bay. In fact, I can smell an upset. Detroit is getting 6 and a half points as a cushion.

Carolina will blow out Green Bay tomorrow night by at least 8 points.

My 6th pick (I still haven't given my Bacon Special yet) was a tough one. I decided to go by the book and take a home underdog. Tennessee to cover over Indy getting 7 points. Something funny is going on with Indy, they are winning but Manning isn't throwing much, and their defense is playing great. Still Tennessee is not a slouch team.

Finally my Bacon Special. Go to the bank on this one: Kansas City will destroy Philly. K.C. is favored by 1 and a half, but look for a double digit romping today.