May 24, 2011

Harold Camping Revises Rapture Date: Where Did I See That Before?

Oh yeah, it was on The Simpsons. In the episode he predicts the date for the Rapture, but it doesn't come through. He finds he made a mathematical error (there were 13 "people" at the Last Supper, not 12) and revises the date. Here is his first calculation:

October 21st is the new date (Homer was correct the second time around so watch out everyone).

Don't forget to void your bowels for Jesus on October 20th. It is disrespectful to have full bowels when Jesus comes back (actually it would be his first time on earth).

I still can't get over the fact that if man is made in God's image, that would mean that God has a butt, and it also means that God takes a dump once or twice a day.

May 18, 2011

It Is Easier To Admit To Many Things, But Atheism Is A Hard One

I live in a town where you just don't walk around with "There Aint No God" T-shirts. I think it is more a matter of not offending others than caring what others would think of me as an atheist. Though that comes into play too.

Of course, there are some things I can say out loud that can draw attention to my atheism, but to out and out state I'm an atheist, or there is no God, well that is where I feel uneasy.

Here is a partial list of things I feel less stress in admitting to than my atheism in my little town, and I wouldn't have a problem wearing T-shirts for any of these things or mentioning these things with quasi strangers or casual acquaintances:

1. I sometimes surf internet porn.
2. I avoid manual labor whenever possible.
3. Pepperoni sticks go right through me.
4. My wife never initiates sex anymore.
5. I currently have a pimple on one of my ass cheeks.
6. Religious schools should not receive government funding.
7. Black guys in pairs, or more, make me nervous when I'm walking down the street.
8. I watch Two and a Half Men and it makes me laugh.

Speaking of Two and a Half Men, it was just announced that Ashton Kutcher is joining the show. It is highly doubtful that he will be Charlie, so I figured out the best way for the show to morph him in.

The new season begins at a funeral. Charlie was on a yacht with 3 gorgeous women when he slipped off. His body was not recovered (this leaves the door open to his unlikely return in the future).

Kutcher is at the funeral, and nobody knows who he is, but his presence makes Evelyn (the mother of Charlie and Alan) very nervous.

It turns out that Kutcher was given away at birth. His father was a well known actor or politician (a Schwarzenegger type) who never knew about the pregnancy.

It turns out that Kutcher recently found out about his half siblings, and when he read of Charlie's funeral, he had to be there.

Kutcher is a professional surfer bum, who never had a real job, and is currently living in a tent on a beach.

Kutcher tells Alan and Evelyn who he is. This causes Alan indifference at first, and Evelyn of course is embarrassed with a trace of guilt.

At the reading of the will it is found out that Charlie's entire estate is left to his brother Alan, as long as the house is not sold. The thing is that Ashton's middle name is Alan.

After some humming and hawing, Alan decides to avoid further court costs by splitting the estate with Kutcher.

They now have the responsibility of making enough money to keep the house's upkeep (property taxes are pretty high). This means that Kutcher has to try to buckle down and get serious about a real job.

And the fun begins.

I know, too much time on my hands. Wasted a lot of valuable porn surfing time writing this post too.

May 13, 2011

Dear Creationist

Dear Creationist: It has come to my attention that you do not accept evolution. Could you please tell me what animal life on this planet would look like if evolution were true? Would it be the same as it is now? How would it be different? What would we expect genetic and fossil evidence to show?

Since I accept evolution, let me tell you what I think life on this planet and genetic and fossil evidence would be like if evolution was false and God created every animal as is.

There would only be one type of cat, dog, horse, etc. All humans would look exactly like Adam and Eve. All fossils would not trace back farther than 10,000 years. Genetic evidence that prove common ancestry would not exist either. There would be no evidence that a whale's ancestor once walked on earth. I could go on, but I won't.


The Atheist Jew

May 10, 2011

Am I A Family Guy Geek?

I watched Family Guy's Big Bang Theory episode on Sunday, and was left bothered. ***Spoiler Alert. In this episode, it turns out that Stewie caused the Big Bang. Now, when it comes to understanding things in physics like the time space continuum, my brain usually goes numb very quickly, so the fact that he could go back in time to cause the creation of the universe, didn't cause me any frustration. I just nod my head and go OK. But the thing that is causing me some fits has to do with the sub plot, when Stewie's half brother Bertram goes back in time to murder Stewie's ancestor Leonardo Da Vinci to prevent Stewie from ever being born.

From previous episodes, it is known that Stewie and Bertram share the same dad. So in order to prevent Stewie from being born, all Bertram had to do was off one of Stewie's direct ancestors from is mother's side.

The explanation on the show by Stewie was that Bertram had to go back far enough to kill an ancestor who would prevent Stewie from being born but allow Bertram to be born. This is where I have the problem. Both Stewie and Bertram would have to be direct descendents of Da Vinci, unless there is something I'm missing. And even if Bertram has no Da Vinci genes (if that is possible), offing him would destroy the line to the point that their shared father would not have been born.

Of course, the fact that both Stewie and Bertram share a football shaped head, and Da Vinci also had a football shaped head makes it a given that Bertram still had Da Vinci genes, but that is not the point I'm trying to understand here. If any of my direct ancestors died before conceiving one of my ancestors whether I have their genes or not, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't be here today.

Now, am I geeky or what? Is the fact I'm so into Family Guy a curse for not having children of my own? I don't think I'm a geek when it comes to anything else, but at 50 years old, for me to write this blog piece, I'm starting to question my priorities, and who I am.

One more thing, writing this post reminds me of another Family Guy episode, where Brian the dog fathers a child who is 13 (yet Brian is only 8). Forget about the fact that the kid was 100% human, for some reason, that can be accepted, in that episode, Stewie brings up the ages causing Brian to say "if you don't like it complain about it on the internet."