October 27, 2006

I've Had A Revelation: The Invisible Man Under My Bed Exists

My dad has been gone for over five years now, but he is not gone from my memory. He mostly appears to me in my dreams, but every now and then I think about him and it brings back memories.

A few months ago, I remembered that around 40 years ago, my dad told me that there was a Hoogieman under my bed. I believe the Hoogieman is the Jewish term for the Christian Boogeyman, but I haven't verified this connection to date. The idea of a Hoogieman under my bed frightened me as a four year old. I think I even cried about it once or twice. My father even went to the extent of telling me there was no Hoogieman under my bed, to relieve my stress. But reflecting back, it made no sense for him to tell me of his existence in the first place. Why frighten a four year old child for the sake of frightening him. My dad told me God exists too, and the overwhelming majority of people on this planet know this to be true.

I've come to the understanding that my father knew about this invisible man, possibly through oral tradition, because I can't find anything written about an invisible Hoogieman who lives under a bed(s), and I obviously can't ask my father now about how he came to his knowledge of the Hoogieman. I'm not even sure how many Hoogieman's exist, or if it only happens to first borns, or I am special, and I am the only person on this planet alive today who has an invisible man under my bed. But I now know he exists.

I admit, I was skeptical a couple of months ago, when I started to embrace the idea that he might exist, but I've done successful tests, to the point that I've even got to know him personally.

For example, I asked the invisible man under my bed not to murder me or my wife in our sleep on 8 separate occassions. And guess what, we are both alive today. Unscathed.

The next proof has to do with me admitting something I'd rather not here, or even to myself, but I feel compelled to speak out, I have to leave my vanity at the doorstep. In the last 7 years I've had the same mattress, and I've gained 15 pounds in that period. One would expect that over 7 years and having to deal with a heavier load, the mattress would sag. It doesn't. This means that the invisible man must be using his powers to hold up the bed, at least while I am on it. In fact, I've never had a leg break off any of my beds in my life or any bed collapse. Eerie isn't it?

The invisible man under my bed must also have been around since the beginning of time, because how can anyone create a being that exists and is invisible? Unless he was the product of a scientific experiment. But I doubt such technologies existed at least 40 years ago.

I know the invisible is capable of granting wishes too. A month ago at around 11 PM I asked the invisible man to make my wife come into bed with me and initiate sex. Sure enough, 15 minutes later my wife came upstairs a lay down beside me proving once again the invisible man's special powers. But he stopped my wish short as she did not initiate sex, and he then showed his wrath to me for making such a request because he made my wife turn down my advances that night.

The invisible man will also not make my wishes come true when it comes to gambling. I asked him on a couple of occassions to make a horse win a race, and he denied each horse a victory. Again, I attribute this to his set of morals.

I ask any theists who read this not to worry. I am not starting a new cult. But I hope you don't deny the fact that the eternal Hoogieman lives under my bed, because that would just be hypocritical. You have not experienced what I have experienced in the last few months anyways.

Check this out: Radio interview of Richard Dawkins by Penn Jillette


  1. And let me say something else, BEAJ. I have the same invisible hoogieman under my bed, even though I call him The Magic Genie.

    But anyway, the fact that we both have the same invisible & magical creature under our beds proves that he exists.

    Isn't it wonderful to bask in the glow of magic and invisible hoogiemen, rather than wallowing in the dull and lifeless world of science, tangible experience and reality?

  2. In seriousness, I'm fascinated by metaphysics. And while I'll stick to believing in what I've seen, heard, etc, I prefer to think about metaphysics, magic, mysticism and other topics much more than the sceientific method, etc.

    There are certainly phenomena beyond the scope of which our brains can understand. And I fully embrace that fact. That said, to call all that we can't understand "God" violates my own sense of how the world really works.

    And in my opinion, I take it even further into mysticism than the so-called theists do: I acknowledge that which I can't/don't understand, and in fact I'm not all that anxious to figure it out.

    I'll embrace the unexplained and mysterious. But I'll call it "unexplained and mysterious" rather than God, Jehovah, Krishna, Earth Mother, Thetis or Thor.

  3. Let me tell you that I deeply enjoyed your words BEAJ.
    In fact, I like more your Hoogieman than the christian god. Hoogieman is more mercyfull. At least he grants you sexual wishes!

  4. Dang, I never get any invisible men under my bed. Just the big hairy real one IN my bed.

  5. Mike, I'm confident that anything you and I find so mind boggling today will be answered in the next 1000 years by science. Probably sooner, and only if man makes it to then:) The Hoogieman scoffed at my sexual desires, he is a bad man for doing that. Oops I shouldn't really type that, he might do something to me tonite.

    Lisa, the answer is simple, you and your husband can't be first borns.

  6. BEJ, I do not buy your Hoogieman belief. That's not to say he doesn't exist. But asking him not to murder you and your wife is blasphemy as you are suggesting the Hoogieman would commit murder. Of course, if the Hoogieman wishes to end your life, that is his choice and he would be doing it for righteous reasons.

    I may have to burn you at the stake.

    But you can escape this punishment if you state that you were wrong to say such blasphemous things and beg the Hoogieman for forgiveness.

  7. Simon, I got the impression from my father that the Hoogieman was a vengeful invisible entity. I also got the impression that he had no problem offing someone for any old reason.
    It is significant he answered my request not to kill me by not killing me. It means he is listening and may even be compassionate.

  8. I drive cars for a living and sometimes I use the spirit of Hoogie to guide me by closing my eyes and pressing on the accelerator really hard. My passengers scream with delight and I know that Hoogie is real and with me every step of the way. I console my passengers by saying, "Do not presume that you know the base on which my faith in Hoogie rests. It is something that at this point you can not even fathom."

  9. :-) Nice post.

    Never heard of Hoogieman. My dad used "Barmaley".

  10. Yeah, but you're dad got it all wrong. He's lucky he didn't get burned at the stake.

  11. The man under my bed eats all of my cookies, breaks plates in the kitchen and speaks in a falsetto.